you hurt me,
you know you did
you left my chest empty

I moved on,
got new friends; got a life.
experienced a summer that was truly magical
that hole you left?
gone
it left me whole

but wait,
today I slowed down
this life caught up with me
I'd forgotten what's important

this morning I severed some ties,
vowed to make some changes
my desicion left me feeling right,
happy even.

yet
I came home tonight and found an unwanted guest
the hole
right here in my chest
almost like before
but now, bigger

it wasn't healed
just covered,
for a while

Last night I had a nightmare,
the first in a long time.
It was one of those dreams that paralyze you,
I woke up and was too terrified to even move.
After laying completely still for fifteen minutes I got the courage to get up.
I ran to Quincie's room.
She let me share her bed with her for the rest of the night.

The past doesn't exist anymore.

The future doesn't exist yet.

Squish your thumb and index finger together- the present is smaller than that space.

It's barely exists.

I try to think about the present, but then a second passes and I'm in a new present.

And then that's gone in a blink of an eye.

The past and future don't exist.

The present is so minute it almost doesn't exist either.

Do we exist?



Do you ever miss someone so much it hurts?

I always wanted a twin.

Merry Christmas

I'm already sad that Christmas is over. This Christmas season I wasn't excited or anxious like I usually am, so I was pleasantly surprised by what a great holiday it was. I feel like low expectations always have the best results.

I had such an amazing time being with my family. Now that I don't live with them it's actually kind of fun when we get together haha. I got a lot of great presents! Flowerbomb perfume, an ipod dock, a movie, boots, a blanket, etc. All of my presents were surprises this year which was really fun, and I completely love everything I got! 

One of my favorite presents was a nice surprise email from Josh! It was really good to hear from him on Christmas because I was missing him so much. He sent me a package a couple days before full of food from the MTC: cookies, hot chocolate mix, candy canes, candy bars, etc. I absolutely loved it! Also, at the Warner Christmas party we got to talk to my two cousins who are on missions. We got to talk to my cousin Josh on the phone and we skyped with my cousin Taylor! It was really exciting! I was sad though that because Josh (not my cousin) is at the MTC he couldn't call or skype home. I had no need to worry though because today I received the best surprise ever... a phone call from Joshua!! He was flying to Lubbock and called me from the Dallas airport. I wasn't expecting it at all. Just hearing his voice made me cry. We only had three minutes to talk but it was just perfect.

With all of these missionaries in my life and their influence this Christmas I have been closer to the true meaning of the holiday than ever before. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. It truly brings me so much happiness. I don't know what I would do without it. Every year hearing about the birth of Jesus give me chills.

Luke 1:1-14
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed...And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, unto the city David, which is called Bethlehem... to be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men...

My favorite part of the Walker Christmas Eve party is acting out the nativity. We finish it off by singing Silent Night. You feel the spirit so strong and know that it's true.

Christmas truly is magical.

Joshua and his dog Raspberry.

I love this.

Yes it's cliche, but, it's so strange to be constantly surrounded by people and still feel utterly alone. To feel like no one has a clue what I'm going through, no one understands me. I try to explain to someone what I'm feeling and they dismiss it and act like I'm being dramatic. I'm not. Idealy I would lay in this bed all day today. To dream sounds like a relief. Yet, this morning I did wake from a nightmare.

I'm unhappy but how can I let go? Letting go would only increase the hurt.

I DON'T NEED YOU.
Any of you.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.