you hurt me,
you know you did
you left my chest empty

I moved on,
got new friends; got a life.
experienced a summer that was truly magical
that hole you left?
gone
it left me whole

but wait,
today I slowed down
this life caught up with me
I'd forgotten what's important

this morning I severed some ties,
vowed to make some changes
my desicion left me feeling right,
happy even.

yet
I came home tonight and found an unwanted guest
the hole
right here in my chest
almost like before
but now, bigger

it wasn't healed
just covered,
for a while

this picture makes me cry










I read your words over and over again, partially sustaining myself until I hear from you again.

Do you ever miss someone so much it hurts?

I always wanted a twin.

Joshua and his dog Raspberry.

I love this.

Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I ever did. And honestly it is harder today than it was yesterday. I hope it doesn't follow this pattern and progressively get worse. I love him, I miss him, and I am absolutely terrified that I am going to forget him.





I need a best friend.
Today I was going through all of my old pictures and got so nostalgic. I have lost a lot of really amazing friends in the past year. I still have some good friends, but I hardly ever see them. I don't have that one person that I could go to no matter what, that completely knows me and loves me for who I am. Someone who can cheer me up, make me laugh until I cry, and listen to all of my secrets. That's exactly what I need right now.

I do have a best friend, but he is leaving me for two years. And I really just need a girlfriend.

Yes it's cliche, but, it's so strange to be constantly surrounded by people and still feel utterly alone. To feel like no one has a clue what I'm going through, no one understands me. I try to explain to someone what I'm feeling and they dismiss it and act like I'm being dramatic. I'm not. Idealy I would lay in this bed all day today. To dream sounds like a relief. Yet, this morning I did wake from a nightmare.

I'm unhappy but how can I let go? Letting go would only increase the hurt.

I DON'T NEED YOU.
Any of you.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

You know you're lonely when...
You look forward to going to work for an 8 hour shift
You actually get excited for school
And you are slightly disappointed when you finish your homework.


You know you're lonely when you almost cry because your favorite tv shows are ending for the season and now you'll have nothing to do on Monday or Tuesday nights.

You know you're lonely when you have nothing better to do than do than sit in your room and take creepy pictures of yourself.

You know you're lonely when..
You find yourself going to bed at 9 simply because you have nothing to do
And you make up a reason to call your mom just so you can have someone to talk to.




You know you're lonely when you talk to your teddy bear every night before you go to sleep.

contrary to popular belief

Some of the best things in life are the little enjoyable occurrences that happen randomly throughout your day. Being happy over a huge event is awesome, but sometimes I prefer being happy over the little things.

Today a certain person called me. I was so happy that once we hung up I started singing about it. "He called me. He called me". Over and over again, just like that.

It was nice.

Being in college I feel so insignificant. I'm just one of thousands of people at school and no one even notices me or pays particular attention to me. I kind of like it that way.

The insignificance is sort of a lonely feeling too though. I don't have my mom here to care about how my day went. I don't get asked everyday what I learned at school. If I didn't come back to my apartment at night no one would worry. I don't get to kiss my baby brother goodnight anymore. I'm totally on my own. It's bitter-sweet.

zoe and megs

 

 miss you best friend

in the middle of the night

in the middle of the night when i'm in this dream

it's like a million little stars spelling out your name

you gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

 come on, come on

Untouchable. I love Taylor Swift. Thanks Becca for showing me this song. It is so pretty.

calculator

bah. i wish i could put a specific word to how i am feeling.

am i happy? i don't think so.
i do smile. i most definitely laugh. just.. not like i used to.

tears come to my eyes too easily. i can't get that one thing off of my mind. i constantly have a pit in my stomach that will never go away. my chest aches. i don't understand how i can be in pain physically over something that is hurting me emotionally.

loneliness is
the worst feeling
i have felt.

i hate taking on life alone.

take me away

I wish that I was in Kindergarten.

I wish that I could cry to my mom about the boys that are mean to me.

I wish that she would comfort me by telling me that they were mean because they had a crush on me.

I wish that I could believe that.

                                                                                                                                                                                                   

i need to stop wishing. 

i need to love my life exactly how it is.

I am a lot happier than usual though. Life is gradually getting better. :)

life is full of disappointment

 i love the part in dan in real life when dan says "life is full of disappointment".

i feel like that's what my life is lately. disappointment after disappointment.

i really don't like sharing my life with others. especially when i have been hurt, but, i feel like i need to let my feelings out.

josh and i broke up. it happened a couple of weeks ago and it's all my fault. i have a very limited capacity to handle hurt or stress so when josh and i would fight i couldn't handle it. i broke up with him a lot during our fights but realized what a mistake i made and by the next morning i would ask for him back. he was always very forgiving.
well, this scenario happened a couple of weeks ago and the next morning josh didn't want me back..

he said it is because he will be going on a mission soon and he can't have me wait for him. which is completely understandable and probably a good idea. i was alright with it, i really was. but it seems that he was been able to move on from me a lot faster than i would have imagined he could. and i am heartbroken.

josh was my best friend. we hardly went a day without seeing each other. i would text him the moment i woke up and we would be talking all day until i fell asleep. i am so lonely without him. i know it's for the best but i feel like if it was the right thing i wouldn't be so sad. "you tell me this is for the best. so tell me why am i in tears?"

it is embarrassing i guess that i just wrote a huge post about him being my first love. i was tempted to delete it but i realized that nothing can change the fact that he was my first love. and he always will be.
and even though he hurt me, i still love him.

The silver lining on this situation is that i have really amazing friends. while i was at work the other night they chalked my whole driveway. writing lots of stuff to cheer me up. i came home to the surprise and inside found a "care package" they left me. it included a book, a movie, a gift certificate to dairy queen to get myself some ice cream, and some magleby's chocolate cake.

i love you b-varge, bugs, tslide, and moe.

nostalgic

Along with the excitement of being eighteen and graduating from High School comes some nostalgia for the old days.

i miss...

playing at the park for ages and crying when it was time to go home

sleeping on the tramp

kickball

night games

playing house

birthday parties

saturday morning cartoons

happy meals

asking my parents permission before i could eat anything

having a bunkbed

playing dress-up

dancing

gymnastics

loosing teeth

being lifted up in a blanket and swung around

riding bikes

being pushed on a swing

recess

playing with dolls

taking a bath everyday

my mom doing my hair

being so proud of playing "peter peter pumpkin eater" on the piano

putting on talent shows for my family

playing school and being the teacher with my cousins

laughing when adults did although i had no idea what was so funny

pretending to be sick 

being sung to sleep

pizza being my favorite food in the world

disney movies

having "late nights" with my friends

monkey bars

make believe

being young

i miss this:

oh to be young again.