you hurt me,
you know you did
you left my chest empty

I moved on,
got new friends; got a life.
experienced a summer that was truly magical
that hole you left?
gone
it left me whole

but wait,
today I slowed down
this life caught up with me
I'd forgotten what's important

this morning I severed some ties,
vowed to make some changes
my desicion left me feeling right,
happy even.

yet
I came home tonight and found an unwanted guest
the hole
right here in my chest
almost like before
but now, bigger

it wasn't healed
just covered,
for a while

Last night I had a nightmare,
the first in a long time.
It was one of those dreams that paralyze you,
I woke up and was too terrified to even move.
After laying completely still for fifteen minutes I got the courage to get up.
I ran to Quincie's room.
She let me share her bed with her for the rest of the night.

I miss my Valentine.



At least I got a cute package from him:)

I just love him more than anything.

this picture makes me cry










I read your words over and over again, partially sustaining myself until I hear from you again.

Do you ever miss someone so much it hurts?

I always wanted a twin.

My dad took us kids to Disneyland this past weekend. It was so much fun! Disneyland at Christmas time is amazing. It's decorated so cute, some rides are festive, and the shows are all done to Christmas music. I loved it.

I came home and headed straight over to my apartment to check the mail... THREE letters from Josh! I couldn't be happier:) 

First email and first letter.

Best day ever:)

I came home on Tuesday night and Quincie had brought me ice cream and tons of sad movies. She also made me this fort. All to comfort me. We have been sleeping in the fort ever since. We brought our mattress's in and threw every blanket and pillow we have on top. It's the best, most comfy thing ever. Quincie calls it our nest. We are never sleeping in our rooms again. I have the best roommates ever.

Joshua and his dog Raspberry.

I love this.

Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I ever did. And honestly it is harder today than it was yesterday. I hope it doesn't follow this pattern and progressively get worse. I love him, I miss him, and I am absolutely terrified that I am going to forget him.





I need a best friend.
Today I was going through all of my old pictures and got so nostalgic. I have lost a lot of really amazing friends in the past year. I still have some good friends, but I hardly ever see them. I don't have that one person that I could go to no matter what, that completely knows me and loves me for who I am. Someone who can cheer me up, make me laugh until I cry, and listen to all of my secrets. That's exactly what I need right now.

I do have a best friend, but he is leaving me for two years. And I really just need a girlfriend.

 Josh and I went shopping yesterday.

This is my favorite shirt I got.

Also, I just barely finished my first ever college test! Pretty impressive, I know.



Josh got his mission call! Lubbuck, Texas mission! I am so happy for him and so so proud of him! He is going to make an incredible missionary. I am excited for him to go but I miss him already.

zoe and megs

 

 miss you best friend

if only

how in the world did my life come to this?

i never could have imagined that i would be in the position i am in. life sucks sometimes. right now especially.

 

friends can really let you down.

paint the sky with stars

Today was a good day.

My baby brother Mitchell told me he has two best friends. 

My mom and me.

:)

these are the best memories

i WILL make this the best summer of my life.

running through sprinklers in the middle of the night
having a dance party on a round-a-bout
running from a creepy guy
having a dance party in macey's parking lot
playing a legit game of truth or dare
laying on my back in the middle of the road

last night rocked.




can i just say that i hate allergies? despise them actually. i went eighteen years without a single allergy and then BAM. i can't stop sneezing.

summer lovin'

bucket list

"a list of things you want to do before you die"

"a list you make with friends of things you always say you're going to do but don't"

I want a bucket list. I know it is cliche and majorly overdone yet I want one.

But, do I want a...

summer bucket list?

or a

life long bucket list?

I am thinking a summer one. My summer has been so much fun so far but it needs to be spiced up a bit. 

This list needs to be possible to complete but not too simple. I want to be challenged but not overwhelmed.





i will reveal this list soon. whenever it is complete... although if it is a list of any significance it will never truly be complete.

i

love 

summer

life is full of disappointment

 i love the part in dan in real life when dan says "life is full of disappointment".

i feel like that's what my life is lately. disappointment after disappointment.

i really don't like sharing my life with others. especially when i have been hurt, but, i feel like i need to let my feelings out.

josh and i broke up. it happened a couple of weeks ago and it's all my fault. i have a very limited capacity to handle hurt or stress so when josh and i would fight i couldn't handle it. i broke up with him a lot during our fights but realized what a mistake i made and by the next morning i would ask for him back. he was always very forgiving.
well, this scenario happened a couple of weeks ago and the next morning josh didn't want me back..

he said it is because he will be going on a mission soon and he can't have me wait for him. which is completely understandable and probably a good idea. i was alright with it, i really was. but it seems that he was been able to move on from me a lot faster than i would have imagined he could. and i am heartbroken.

josh was my best friend. we hardly went a day without seeing each other. i would text him the moment i woke up and we would be talking all day until i fell asleep. i am so lonely without him. i know it's for the best but i feel like if it was the right thing i wouldn't be so sad. "you tell me this is for the best. so tell me why am i in tears?"

it is embarrassing i guess that i just wrote a huge post about him being my first love. i was tempted to delete it but i realized that nothing can change the fact that he was my first love. and he always will be.
and even though he hurt me, i still love him.

The silver lining on this situation is that i have really amazing friends. while i was at work the other night they chalked my whole driveway. writing lots of stuff to cheer me up. i came home to the surprise and inside found a "care package" they left me. it included a book, a movie, a gift certificate to dairy queen to get myself some ice cream, and some magleby's chocolate cake.

i love you b-varge, bugs, tslide, and moe.