Last night I had a nightmare,
the first in a long time.
It was one of those dreams that paralyze you,
I woke up and was too terrified to even move.
After laying completely still for fifteen minutes I got the courage to get up.
I ran to Quincie's room.
She let me share her bed with her for the rest of the night.

I miss my Valentine.



At least I got a cute package from him:)

I just love him more than anything.

this picture makes me cry










I read your words over and over again, partially sustaining myself until I hear from you again.

Merry Christmas

I'm already sad that Christmas is over. This Christmas season I wasn't excited or anxious like I usually am, so I was pleasantly surprised by what a great holiday it was. I feel like low expectations always have the best results.

I had such an amazing time being with my family. Now that I don't live with them it's actually kind of fun when we get together haha. I got a lot of great presents! Flowerbomb perfume, an ipod dock, a movie, boots, a blanket, etc. All of my presents were surprises this year which was really fun, and I completely love everything I got! 

One of my favorite presents was a nice surprise email from Josh! It was really good to hear from him on Christmas because I was missing him so much. He sent me a package a couple days before full of food from the MTC: cookies, hot chocolate mix, candy canes, candy bars, etc. I absolutely loved it! Also, at the Warner Christmas party we got to talk to my two cousins who are on missions. We got to talk to my cousin Josh on the phone and we skyped with my cousin Taylor! It was really exciting! I was sad though that because Josh (not my cousin) is at the MTC he couldn't call or skype home. I had no need to worry though because today I received the best surprise ever... a phone call from Joshua!! He was flying to Lubbock and called me from the Dallas airport. I wasn't expecting it at all. Just hearing his voice made me cry. We only had three minutes to talk but it was just perfect.

With all of these missionaries in my life and their influence this Christmas I have been closer to the true meaning of the holiday than ever before. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. It truly brings me so much happiness. I don't know what I would do without it. Every year hearing about the birth of Jesus give me chills.

Luke 1:1-14
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed...And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, unto the city David, which is called Bethlehem... to be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men...

My favorite part of the Walker Christmas Eve party is acting out the nativity. We finish it off by singing Silent Night. You feel the spirit so strong and know that it's true.

Christmas truly is magical.

My dad took us kids to Disneyland this past weekend. It was so much fun! Disneyland at Christmas time is amazing. It's decorated so cute, some rides are festive, and the shows are all done to Christmas music. I loved it.

I came home and headed straight over to my apartment to check the mail... THREE letters from Josh! I couldn't be happier:) 

Joshua and his dog Raspberry.

I love this.

new paint

I'm eighteen, moving out, and starting college. How in the world did my life go by so quickly? I feel like this whole "growing up" topic has been greatly over used lately. I don't care though. Because all I know is that I am way too freaking old. 

Contrary to my previous plan I am moving with my family to our new house. Tomorrow. This is the last night I will sleep in our current home. Over the past couple of days I have been reminiscing over all of the many memories that took place here.

My family moved to this house when I was in third grade. I was eight. It has been ten years since then. Sometimes I wish I could be eight again. Moving into a brand new house with most of my childhood ahead of me. I would do a lot differently.

After moving tomorrow I will move again in less than two weeks. This time by myself. It will be sad to come home and visit my family in an unfamiliar house. But oh well. I need to stop complaining. I have been very blessed. The situation my family is in with this new home is honestly miraculous. Everything has fallen into place so perfectly. We couldn't have done it without the help of some amazing people. We are so lucky to have them in our lives.


Come tomorrow I will say goodbye to this house and move on. It is the start of a new part of my life.


I am going to make it a good one.

i hate when things are over

undesirable number one
the boy who lived
the chosen one
harry potter


The countdown is complete. Tonight is the night all of us Harry Potter fans have been waiting for. At this point though I find myself not excited at all. Truthfully I am dreading the movie. When the movie is done, Harry Potter will be done. FOREVER. I can hardly get that through my head. 


I started reading Harry Potter during 1st grade. I have been an obsessive fan every since. Come on a road trip with the Walker's and you will find us playing "HP trivia". Our very favorite game. We bought all of the books as they came out, which resulted in us throwing the first four books away because they fell apart from overuse. I have read each book over 8 times. At the very least.

I decided two days ago that I would read HP 7 before the movie came out. I finished it this morning. It made me cry multiple times. I love the Deathly Hallows. Best HP book ever written. After reading that last book for the first time I cried. I couldn't believe the books were over. I was slightly consoled with the fact that the movies were still going. Now they will be done too. Over forever.

I will miss every character from every book. After reading the 7th book my favorite character of all is Snape. Sometimes I pick up HP 7 and only read the chapter in which Harry sees Snape's memories in the penseive. It is so terribly sad and touching.

It is crazy how much some fictional book can effect me. It is slightly embarrassing but I don't even care. I love Harry Potter. Always have and always will.


I hope Harry Potter creates a legacy that lasts forever. 

long live harry potter

we fish

Today, we went fishing.
















we didn't catch a single fish

calculator

bah. i wish i could put a specific word to how i am feeling.

am i happy? i don't think so.
i do smile. i most definitely laugh. just.. not like i used to.

tears come to my eyes too easily. i can't get that one thing off of my mind. i constantly have a pit in my stomach that will never go away. my chest aches. i don't understand how i can be in pain physically over something that is hurting me emotionally.

loneliness is
the worst feeling
i have felt.

i hate taking on life alone.

home sweet home

I'm not ready to move on.

I'm not ready to move on in lots of areas of my life.

I am most especially not ready to move out of my house and grow up.


I am moving out to an apartment for school, which I am extremely excited for. But, I was counting on being able to come home to visit my family. Now I have found out that my family is moving. 17 days before I move into my apartment. I get to move twice in less than a month. I know this shouldn't worry me but it does. I want to come visit my real home. Not some home I lived in for two weeks.

Moving out means growing up. I do feel like a grown up already but moving out on my own is a huge step. One I'm not ready for. But ready or not it's coming. Too fast.

i find it kind of sad

smiling faces i can see

but not for me

i sit and watch as tears go by

there's a bear inside your stomach

the cub's been kicking you for weeks

and if this isn't all a dream

well then we'll cut him from beneath

singing, this will be the day that i die

this will be the day that i die

and if you come when all the flowers are dying

and i am dead, as dead i well may be

you'll come and find the place where i am lying

and kneel and say an ave there for me

it's not a cry you can hear at night

it's not somebody who's seen the light

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

what have a become, my sweetest friend

everyone i know goes away in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

i will let you down

i will make you hurt

will you say to me when i'm gone

your face has faded but lingers on

cause light strikes a deal with each coming night

cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

and life's like an hourglass glued to the table

no one can find the rewind button, girl

so cradle your head in your hands




 where are we
what the hell is going on
the dust has only just begun to form




hold my head inside your hands
i need someone who understands
i need someone, someone who hears
for you i've waited all these years




if i die young, bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song



and i find it kind of funny

i find it kind of sad

the dreams in which i'm dying

are the best i've ever had




sad music. 
i love being able to feel the emotion conveyed through a song. 
i enjoy being sad over a sorrow that isn't my own. 
to forget my worries by focusing on some else's

these are the best memories

i WILL make this the best summer of my life.

running through sprinklers in the middle of the night
having a dance party on a round-a-bout
running from a creepy guy
having a dance party in macey's parking lot
playing a legit game of truth or dare
laying on my back in the middle of the road

last night rocked.




can i just say that i hate allergies? despise them actually. i went eighteen years without a single allergy and then BAM. i can't stop sneezing.

take me away

I wish that I was in Kindergarten.

I wish that I could cry to my mom about the boys that are mean to me.

I wish that she would comfort me by telling me that they were mean because they had a crush on me.

I wish that I could believe that.

                                                                                                                                                                                                   

i need to stop wishing. 

i need to love my life exactly how it is.

I am a lot happier than usual though. Life is gradually getting better. :)

life is full of disappointment

 i love the part in dan in real life when dan says "life is full of disappointment".

i feel like that's what my life is lately. disappointment after disappointment.

i really don't like sharing my life with others. especially when i have been hurt, but, i feel like i need to let my feelings out.

josh and i broke up. it happened a couple of weeks ago and it's all my fault. i have a very limited capacity to handle hurt or stress so when josh and i would fight i couldn't handle it. i broke up with him a lot during our fights but realized what a mistake i made and by the next morning i would ask for him back. he was always very forgiving.
well, this scenario happened a couple of weeks ago and the next morning josh didn't want me back..

he said it is because he will be going on a mission soon and he can't have me wait for him. which is completely understandable and probably a good idea. i was alright with it, i really was. but it seems that he was been able to move on from me a lot faster than i would have imagined he could. and i am heartbroken.

josh was my best friend. we hardly went a day without seeing each other. i would text him the moment i woke up and we would be talking all day until i fell asleep. i am so lonely without him. i know it's for the best but i feel like if it was the right thing i wouldn't be so sad. "you tell me this is for the best. so tell me why am i in tears?"

it is embarrassing i guess that i just wrote a huge post about him being my first love. i was tempted to delete it but i realized that nothing can change the fact that he was my first love. and he always will be.
and even though he hurt me, i still love him.

The silver lining on this situation is that i have really amazing friends. while i was at work the other night they chalked my whole driveway. writing lots of stuff to cheer me up. i came home to the surprise and inside found a "care package" they left me. it included a book, a movie, a gift certificate to dairy queen to get myself some ice cream, and some magleby's chocolate cake.

i love you b-varge, bugs, tslide, and moe.

nostalgic

Along with the excitement of being eighteen and graduating from High School comes some nostalgia for the old days.

i miss...

playing at the park for ages and crying when it was time to go home

sleeping on the tramp

kickball

night games

playing house

birthday parties

saturday morning cartoons

happy meals

asking my parents permission before i could eat anything

having a bunkbed

playing dress-up

dancing

gymnastics

loosing teeth

being lifted up in a blanket and swung around

riding bikes

being pushed on a swing

recess

playing with dolls

taking a bath everyday

my mom doing my hair

being so proud of playing "peter peter pumpkin eater" on the piano

putting on talent shows for my family

playing school and being the teacher with my cousins

laughing when adults did although i had no idea what was so funny

pretending to be sick 

being sung to sleep

pizza being my favorite food in the world

disney movies

having "late nights" with my friends

monkey bars

make believe

being young

i miss this:

oh to be young again.

i quit

this whole 30 day challenge thing was too much for me. i give up.

it's summer time!! 

i still can't believe it.

i'm not even excited yet because it hasn't hit me.

but when it does i'm going to be so happy.

i am a Timpview High School graduate.

pretty sweet. i know.

i'm an 18 year old high school graduate.

i'm not ready for this.

in the words of taylor swift:

"oh i don't want to grow up, wish i never grew up
i could still be little
oh i don't want to grow up, wish i never grew up
it could still be simple"


that song makes me cry
 

never grow up

day sixteen: a picture from two years ago

I feel like I don't look any different in this picture from two years ago then I do now. But when I compare this picture to one taken of me recently I can see how much I have changed.

I was a sophomore then and now I am a high school graduate (as of yesterday).


I'm not ready to be all grown up.