you hurt me,
you know you did
you left my chest empty

I moved on,
got new friends; got a life.
experienced a summer that was truly magical
that hole you left?
gone
it left me whole

but wait,
today I slowed down
this life caught up with me
I'd forgotten what's important

this morning I severed some ties,
vowed to make some changes
my desicion left me feeling right,
happy even.

yet
I came home tonight and found an unwanted guest
the hole
right here in my chest
almost like before
but now, bigger

it wasn't healed
just covered,
for a while

The past doesn't exist anymore.

The future doesn't exist yet.

Squish your thumb and index finger together- the present is smaller than that space.

It's barely exists.

I try to think about the present, but then a second passes and I'm in a new present.

And then that's gone in a blink of an eye.

The past and future don't exist.

The present is so minute it almost doesn't exist either.

Do we exist?



So so pretty.

I miss my Valentine.



At least I got a cute package from him:)

I just love him more than anything.

There is only one person who has the ability to always make you happy, and that's yourself.



Merry Christmas

I'm already sad that Christmas is over. This Christmas season I wasn't excited or anxious like I usually am, so I was pleasantly surprised by what a great holiday it was. I feel like low expectations always have the best results.

I had such an amazing time being with my family. Now that I don't live with them it's actually kind of fun when we get together haha. I got a lot of great presents! Flowerbomb perfume, an ipod dock, a movie, boots, a blanket, etc. All of my presents were surprises this year which was really fun, and I completely love everything I got! 

One of my favorite presents was a nice surprise email from Josh! It was really good to hear from him on Christmas because I was missing him so much. He sent me a package a couple days before full of food from the MTC: cookies, hot chocolate mix, candy canes, candy bars, etc. I absolutely loved it! Also, at the Warner Christmas party we got to talk to my two cousins who are on missions. We got to talk to my cousin Josh on the phone and we skyped with my cousin Taylor! It was really exciting! I was sad though that because Josh (not my cousin) is at the MTC he couldn't call or skype home. I had no need to worry though because today I received the best surprise ever... a phone call from Joshua!! He was flying to Lubbock and called me from the Dallas airport. I wasn't expecting it at all. Just hearing his voice made me cry. We only had three minutes to talk but it was just perfect.

With all of these missionaries in my life and their influence this Christmas I have been closer to the true meaning of the holiday than ever before. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. It truly brings me so much happiness. I don't know what I would do without it. Every year hearing about the birth of Jesus give me chills.

Luke 1:1-14
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed...And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, unto the city David, which is called Bethlehem... to be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men...

My favorite part of the Walker Christmas Eve party is acting out the nativity. We finish it off by singing Silent Night. You feel the spirit so strong and know that it's true.

Christmas truly is magical.

I came home on Tuesday night and Quincie had brought me ice cream and tons of sad movies. She also made me this fort. All to comfort me. We have been sleeping in the fort ever since. We brought our mattress's in and threw every blanket and pillow we have on top. It's the best, most comfy thing ever. Quincie calls it our nest. We are never sleeping in our rooms again. I have the best roommates ever.





I need a best friend.
Today I was going through all of my old pictures and got so nostalgic. I have lost a lot of really amazing friends in the past year. I still have some good friends, but I hardly ever see them. I don't have that one person that I could go to no matter what, that completely knows me and loves me for who I am. Someone who can cheer me up, make me laugh until I cry, and listen to all of my secrets. That's exactly what I need right now.

I do have a best friend, but he is leaving me for two years. And I really just need a girlfriend.

you don't know how lovely you are

I love Coldplay. I want a boy with a beautiful voice to sing something so pretty to me.

You know you're lonely when...
You look forward to going to work for an 8 hour shift
You actually get excited for school
And you are slightly disappointed when you finish your homework.


You know you're lonely when you almost cry because your favorite tv shows are ending for the season and now you'll have nothing to do on Monday or Tuesday nights.

You know you're lonely when you have nothing better to do than do than sit in your room and take creepy pictures of yourself.

You know you're lonely when..
You find yourself going to bed at 9 simply because you have nothing to do
And you make up a reason to call your mom just so you can have someone to talk to.




You know you're lonely when you talk to your teddy bear every night before you go to sleep.

contrary to popular belief

Some of the best things in life are the little enjoyable occurrences that happen randomly throughout your day. Being happy over a huge event is awesome, but sometimes I prefer being happy over the little things.

Today a certain person called me. I was so happy that once we hung up I started singing about it. "He called me. He called me". Over and over again, just like that.

It was nice.

Being in college I feel so insignificant. I'm just one of thousands of people at school and no one even notices me or pays particular attention to me. I kind of like it that way.

The insignificance is sort of a lonely feeling too though. I don't have my mom here to care about how my day went. I don't get asked everyday what I learned at school. If I didn't come back to my apartment at night no one would worry. I don't get to kiss my baby brother goodnight anymore. I'm totally on my own. It's bitter-sweet.

you can plan for a change in the weather and time but i never planned on you changing your mind

I remember a moment in my life when I was around seven. I arrived with my mom at the grocery store and as we pulled into the parking space I looked to my right and saw a pretty teenage girl sitting in the passenger seat of the car next to us. This memory has stuck to me because the girl had tears running down her cheeks. She was the loneliest thing I have ever seen.

Today I was that girl. The girl crying alone in her car at the stoplight.

:)

I'm happy. Like really happy. My life is great. I just want to smile. ALL THE TIME.

Considering this happy mood I am in I wanted everyone reading this to be happy too. So look at this picture...

... realize it's true. And smile, like me.

tumblr

I got a Tumblr and I love it. If you love to blog then you would love a Tumblr. It's like blogging but easier. You don't have to write as much. It's more about pictures and cute little sayings. Mine is 13megnicole.tumblr.com. I have a whole following of one. Impressive, I know. 

On another note, I am moving out in two days! Two freaking days. Up until this point I have been so nervous and pretty much dreading the move. Now I'm not sure if I can wait until Wednesday. It's going to be great:)

I know this post is boring so I thought I would share a picture of me and my dad from back in the day:

Gotta love awkwardfamilyphotos.com.
 

zoe and megs

 

 miss you best friend

lovelys

everyone deserves love

this is an angry post

I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I had the worst day of my life (not really but pretty close, I swear). I'm the BIGGEST grump right now. I seriously want to punch someone. Everyone just needs to stop being so freaking annoying.

hates:

slow people
uncomfortable situations
people trying to be cool
not being good enough for someone
messes
when my family doesn't move their laundry into the dryer
people taking advantage of others help
not knowing what to say
not being able to stop crying
having to exercise
mowing the lawn
moving
being scared
feeling unwanted and not loved
being used
trusting someone you shouldn't
life not turning out the way you expected it to
growing up
too much responsibility
sitting home at night
being told what to do
feeling confined
contacts
washing my face
not feeling pretty
light shining in your eyes
the shower always being either too hot or too cold
being forced to watch boring movies
taking naps and waking up twice as tired and cranky
doing so much for someone who does nothing in return
not being appreciated
missing something
not being able to move on with life
hating all of my clothes
little paychecks 
realizing what you should have said to someone long after the conversation
being nervous
not getting what i want
being in pain
blood
people not sharing
waiting for something that never happens
not being skinny
phones that won't delete your messages and then get way slow
hating someone because they have what you want
sending a text and immediately regretting it
dvds that skip
being poor
working with incompetent people
being alone
spiders
not knowing how to be friends with someone
my neighbors rooster that won't shut up
this blog post
stubborn people
annoying questions
most country music
annoying people
annoying people
annoying people
forgetting to do something until it's too late
quitting something
not being as good as i want at something
swimsuits
mosquito bites
having no where to be
feeling stupid
wasting my time
people i follow not posting on their blogs so i have nothing to read
fake crap people post on facebook
waiting
pretending to be patient when i'm not at all
allowing someone to so easily control my emotions
hurting
not being able to breathe right when i'm so sad
having no good books
not obtaining the perfect schedule i hoped for
gross stuff
regret
making a mistake
guilt
missing out
hoping for something i know will not happen
being a coward
not being able to take a chance
staying up late simply because i feel dumb going to bed way early
not feeling any less angry after writing a thousand things i hate  
 

yours truly