you hurt me,
you know you did
you left my chest empty

I moved on,
got new friends; got a life.
experienced a summer that was truly magical
that hole you left?
gone
it left me whole

but wait,
today I slowed down
this life caught up with me
I'd forgotten what's important

this morning I severed some ties,
vowed to make some changes
my desicion left me feeling right,
happy even.

yet
I came home tonight and found an unwanted guest
the hole
right here in my chest
almost like before
but now, bigger

it wasn't healed
just covered,
for a while

The past doesn't exist anymore.

The future doesn't exist yet.

Squish your thumb and index finger together- the present is smaller than that space.

It's barely exists.

I try to think about the present, but then a second passes and I'm in a new present.

And then that's gone in a blink of an eye.

The past and future don't exist.

The present is so minute it almost doesn't exist either.

Do we exist?



So so pretty.

I miss my Valentine.



At least I got a cute package from him:)

I just love him more than anything.

this picture makes me cry










I read your words over and over again, partially sustaining myself until I hear from you again.

What is beauty and what does beautiful even mean? The perfect eyes, nose and face? What is the perfect face? I don't know. I don't think anyone really knows.

Today in church a lady bore her testimony and explained that God created us each perfectly. We shouldn't hate our looks because every one of us is beautiful and a sacred creation of Heavenly Fathers. I believe this one hundred percent. Yet, no one looks the same so how can we each be perfect?

I think that maybe Heavenly Father made our appearance perfect for somebody else. Maybe, just maybe, we look like we do because we will be attractive to the person we are supposed to marry. Maybe our looks are designed to attract that person that we are supposed to be with.

Hmm... I'm not sure but I would like to think that's true.

There is only one person who has the ability to always make you happy, and that's yourself.



Merry Christmas

I'm already sad that Christmas is over. This Christmas season I wasn't excited or anxious like I usually am, so I was pleasantly surprised by what a great holiday it was. I feel like low expectations always have the best results.

I had such an amazing time being with my family. Now that I don't live with them it's actually kind of fun when we get together haha. I got a lot of great presents! Flowerbomb perfume, an ipod dock, a movie, boots, a blanket, etc. All of my presents were surprises this year which was really fun, and I completely love everything I got! 

One of my favorite presents was a nice surprise email from Josh! It was really good to hear from him on Christmas because I was missing him so much. He sent me a package a couple days before full of food from the MTC: cookies, hot chocolate mix, candy canes, candy bars, etc. I absolutely loved it! Also, at the Warner Christmas party we got to talk to my two cousins who are on missions. We got to talk to my cousin Josh on the phone and we skyped with my cousin Taylor! It was really exciting! I was sad though that because Josh (not my cousin) is at the MTC he couldn't call or skype home. I had no need to worry though because today I received the best surprise ever... a phone call from Joshua!! He was flying to Lubbock and called me from the Dallas airport. I wasn't expecting it at all. Just hearing his voice made me cry. We only had three minutes to talk but it was just perfect.

With all of these missionaries in my life and their influence this Christmas I have been closer to the true meaning of the holiday than ever before. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. It truly brings me so much happiness. I don't know what I would do without it. Every year hearing about the birth of Jesus give me chills.

Luke 1:1-14
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed...And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, unto the city David, which is called Bethlehem... to be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men...

My favorite part of the Walker Christmas Eve party is acting out the nativity. We finish it off by singing Silent Night. You feel the spirit so strong and know that it's true.

Christmas truly is magical.

Joshua and his dog Raspberry.

I love this.

Yes it's cliche, but, it's so strange to be constantly surrounded by people and still feel utterly alone. To feel like no one has a clue what I'm going through, no one understands me. I try to explain to someone what I'm feeling and they dismiss it and act like I'm being dramatic. I'm not. Idealy I would lay in this bed all day today. To dream sounds like a relief. Yet, this morning I did wake from a nightmare.

I'm unhappy but how can I let go? Letting go would only increase the hurt.

you don't know how lovely you are

I love Coldplay. I want a boy with a beautiful voice to sing something so pretty to me.

You know you're lonely when...
You look forward to going to work for an 8 hour shift
You actually get excited for school
And you are slightly disappointed when you finish your homework.


You know you're lonely when you almost cry because your favorite tv shows are ending for the season and now you'll have nothing to do on Monday or Tuesday nights.

You know you're lonely when you have nothing better to do than do than sit in your room and take creepy pictures of yourself.

You know you're lonely when..
You find yourself going to bed at 9 simply because you have nothing to do
And you make up a reason to call your mom just so you can have someone to talk to.




You know you're lonely when you talk to your teddy bear every night before you go to sleep.

contrary to popular belief

Some of the best things in life are the little enjoyable occurrences that happen randomly throughout your day. Being happy over a huge event is awesome, but sometimes I prefer being happy over the little things.

Today a certain person called me. I was so happy that once we hung up I started singing about it. "He called me. He called me". Over and over again, just like that.

It was nice.

Being in college I feel so insignificant. I'm just one of thousands of people at school and no one even notices me or pays particular attention to me. I kind of like it that way.

The insignificance is sort of a lonely feeling too though. I don't have my mom here to care about how my day went. I don't get asked everyday what I learned at school. If I didn't come back to my apartment at night no one would worry. I don't get to kiss my baby brother goodnight anymore. I'm totally on my own. It's bitter-sweet.

love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

robert heinlein

beauty is not caused. it is.

emily dickinson

they say you only live once.

you're only young once too.

i'm scared to grow up and become boring.

party while you're young. while you still want to.


"life is too short not to make the best and the most of everything that comes your way everyday"
 

the bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before.

from good will hunting

skies are crying. i am watching. catching teardrops in my hands.
only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
do you have to make me feel like there is nothing left of me?

demi lavato