I have never been so nervous as I was opening my mission call.
Sitting on that chair with everyone I love watching me, waiting to see what was in store for the next year and a half of my life.
Grammy said the prayer and my arms and legs went numb. Numb. That's never happened before.
I opened the letter and stumbled all over the words but finally I was able to say: "CHILE".
I am going to Chile! Vina del Mar.
Spanish speaking, of course.
I leave February 27, 2013.

This mission completely took me off guard. I was CERTAIN that I was staying in the states and either going on a signing mission or an English one. For some reason I kept thinking Kentucky.I even told Quincie that it was pointless for everyone to guess out of the country because there was no way that was happening.

I could not be more happy about Chile though. I know that is exactly where Heavenly Father needs me to best bless his beloved children. I am terrified though. Learning Spanish was definitely not something I was expecting. I am majoring in sign language so I thought most definitely it would be that or English. The Lord knows what he's doing though. Plus I'll be trilingual when I get back and there's nothing wrong with that!

Now that the call has set in it seems that Chile is perfect for me. I have been asked so many times if I am from Mexico or South America and many people have assumed that I speak Spanish. I will fit in perfectly. Also the Chileans are a very short people so I won't be a shorty anymore! Yay! Vina del Mar is the biggest resort town in Chile and has a perfect climate and is so beautiful. I feel so blessed to be going there.

The one sad part about opening my mission call was that Joshua couldn't be there. I sent him the video of me opening it though and he couldn't be more happy for me! He even sent me this picture:

Haha what a cutie.

 

In the spirit of Thanksgiving:

 

I am so grateful that I was born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know that I belong to the true church and I know that this church is what brings the happiness I have in my life. I am so grateful for Heavenly Father allowing me to come to this earth and for sending his beloved son Jesus Christ to come die for me and atone for my sins. I wouldn't be any where without the blessing of the atonement and forgiveness in my life and I am eternally grateful for the sacrifice of my brother that is allowing me to serve a mission today. I am honored that I am able to serve the Lord and the people of Chile. I love them all already and am so thankful that I will be able to spend the next year and a half with them. I love my family and I am so grateful that I got to spend this Thanksgiving with my dad and Starla. I am so thankful for all of my friends and everyone in my life. I wouldn't be anywhere without all of the amazing wonderful influences in my life. I AM SO BLESSED.

 

I can't wait for the people in Chile who accept this gospel to be as happy as I am.



... and the papers are in!!!!

you can fall in love with pretty strangers and the promises they hold.

Today I had to face my two biggest fears: blood and needles.

I had my doctors appointment for my mission which I have been dreading.
When I first walked into the office I was greeted by an old lady receptionist
telling me I didn't even look 15 years old. I later added to this misconception
by acting like I'm not yet 15. (I was a HUGE wuss).
The people at the doctors office were so nice. They told me that I was their
first 19 year old sister missionary and they were all so excited to be helping me:)

The blood/needles weren't as bad as I was expecting but they were still pretty
darn horrible.
The blood  wasn't taken from my arm like I thought it would be, instead it was
much more humane. I got stabbed in my finger really hard with a needle and had
to bleed into a little vial.

They gave me a dumdum because I handled it so well. :)

But then I got outside and nearly threw up and started hyperventilating so I had to sit on the sidewalk and wait until I could safely drive. (This happened when I got a TB shot a couple months ago so it's nothing to be concerned about). Once I got in the car I started crying.

I'm fine now but unfortunately more tortures are still in store for me, I have to go to the
health clinic tomorrow to get caught up on my immunizations. I haven't had any since Kindergarten! So yes, I have to get four awful shots. I'm freaking out obviously.

Okay done complaining.

I have been absolutely so blessed since I decided to go on my mission.
The one thing I was most worried about was the financial situation.
My mom doesn't have money to help out and I don't have enough
money to pay for everything myself.
My mom told me not to worry and that everything would work out and
let me tell you, it has!

The day I decided to start my papers my grandma walker offered to pay $100 a month
for my mission (1/4 of the mission).
My grandpa warner offered to pay 1/4 as well.
Then my old bishop and his wife called and offered to pay another 1/4 of my mission!
I am stunned by how generous they are. I am forever grateful.

During the appointment today we were talking about how I have slight asthma problems
but have never gotten an inhaler because it's not worth the money because the asthma
is handlable without one. My doctor left the room and next thing you know come back in with an
inhaler for me for free!
My mom and I had been really worried that the doctors appointment was going to be very
expensive because I don't have anyhealth insurance. My mom went to pay while I was still recuperating for my awful finger prick
and she discovered that my doctor had comped the entire visit. He didn't charge
us a thing. It was the sweetest thing and definitely made me tear up.

I am just truly amazed by the generosity of people.
I am so so grateful for everyone who has helped out already. 
I am going to repay them by being the best missionary I
possibly can.

GUYS, I'm going on mission.

 

I recieved my patriarchal blessing in May and it told me I would serve a mission (either a lifetime calling or a full-time mission), the last thing in the world I wanted to do was serve a full-time mission. I didn't want to leave my life behind. I didn't want to be almost 23 when I got back. I didn't want to get my life started so late. I convinced myself that a lifetime mission it was.

 

Then last week my mom told me that she had an impression that I would go on a mission. I prayed about it and it was confirmed that I would go. I cried. I said I would go if I was supposed to but I would rather die. (Don't worry I wouldn't really rather die).We were so confused as to why these impressions were coming now when I wouldn't be leaving for another two years. I began to pray for the desire to go so when the time came I wouldn't have these same feelings.

 

Saturday morning I heard the beloved prophets announcement. I cried. This time with happiness because of the strong spirit I felt. I knew this was it. I could go on a mission NOW. I could be back when I was 21, not leaving. This changed everything. My fears were all washed away. Immediately I decided I would start my papers and prepare to serve the lord.

 

Before I had dreaded the mission and now I am so ecstatic. Honestly I listened to very little of the rest of the first session. I was jumping up and down and crying and smiling and repeating: "I am going on a mission!!" Mitchell told me I was being annoying. So what.

 

I am so happy that Heavenly Father has given me the desire to go. I am so anxious for the opportunity to serve the lord and bring people to this great church. The church is true! I know it.

 

I have a meeting with my bishop on Thursday to start my papers. It's all so real. What am I going to do with my car? With my clothes? With my housing contract? With my school plans? Ah. It will all work out. I know it will.



you hurt me,
you know you did
you left my chest empty

I moved on,
got new friends; got a life.
experienced a summer that was truly magical
that hole you left?
gone
it left me whole

but wait,
today I slowed down
this life caught up with me
I'd forgotten what's important

this morning I severed some ties,
vowed to make some changes
my desicion left me feeling right,
happy even.

yet
I came home tonight and found an unwanted guest
the hole
right here in my chest
almost like before
but now, bigger

it wasn't healed
just covered,
for a while

I've been a mess lately.
Crying, whining, and treating people terribly.

A lot of crap has happened.
Life can be pretty sucky sometimes.

Today though I had a realization: I'm tough. Maybe not physically, but emotionally.
I can handle this.
I've decided to grow up and act like the nineteen-year-old I am.

I was brave today and did a really difficult thing.
I WILL stick to my decision.

Heavenly Father has a plan for me.
I need to let go and allow him to take over.
I'll be okay.

I'm tough.

Today was the worst day ever.

I have been waiting for weeks for today so that I could talk to my missionary. I woke up at 5:45 this morning because I was so excited I couldn't sleep. I thought he was going to call me himself or I would be invited over to his families. Well neither happened. I would have been fine if he was just talking to his family but his best friend got invited over and got to talk to him. But not me. I had my hopes up so high. I'm crushed. It really broke my heart. I can't stop crying.

I know I sound dramatic but I'm dying without him.
I was counting on today.

Today is my last day as an eighteen-year-old.

The day I turned eighteen the Metro Station song Seventeen Forever came on and I cried. I hate growing up. It kills me.

I've only got one more year as a teenager. That's not enough. Not even close.

saddest

So now I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes, all that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss, never thought we'd have our last kiss.

Last night I had a nightmare,
the first in a long time.
It was one of those dreams that paralyze you,
I woke up and was too terrified to even move.
After laying completely still for fifteen minutes I got the courage to get up.
I ran to Quincie's room.
She let me share her bed with her for the rest of the night.

Sometimes I get so jealous it makes me cry.

The past doesn't exist anymore.

The future doesn't exist yet.

Squish your thumb and index finger together- the present is smaller than that space.

It's barely exists.

I try to think about the present, but then a second passes and I'm in a new present.

And then that's gone in a blink of an eye.

The past and future don't exist.

The present is so minute it almost doesn't exist either.

Do we exist?



Prepare yourself for a typical "my life sucks I miss the past" post. I just couldn't help myself.


I miss living right by Ashleigh. I miss the time I punched her tooth out on the playground. I miss our sleepovers when she would fall asleep before the previews were even over. I miss giving back and foot and leg massages. Our "sisters in heaven" song we played and sang together on the piano. I miss brownies and Dennis the Menace.


I miss Emily and Bronwen and our notebook. I miss having a love for llamas and Mrs. Willy. I miss the time that Emily and I were partners in math and Bronwen was so upset she had her mom pick her up. I miss us dressing up and dancing on the side of the road. Finding boys addresses and creeping on their houses. I miss office aide with Emily and sneaking Brownen out of class. Swenson walking in on me every time I would do something naughty. I miss laughing, laughing until I cried, more than I really have ever since.


I miss wolfpack with Jessica. I miss taking weird pictures and writing notes in between every class. I miss watching movies in her basement. I miss fighting about her lipgloss that I used too much of. I miss our step aerobics class and talking about boys.

I miss Carlie and Lexis. I miss doing photo shoots. I miss going on runs past the cute tennis players. I miss making videos. Videos of anything, what not to wear, music videos, random interviews. I miss our epic Christmas party in Lexis' basement and trips to the chiropractor.


I miss going to Magleby's all the time. I miss Kendal taking care of me and bringing me soup every time I got sick. I miss the time we did crunches in her room to Kanye West, laughing our heads off imagining her brother walking in. I miss squishing in my tiny bed talking all night until we fell asleep. I miss the OC.

I miss playing outside at Tarryn's house. Spying on her next door neighbor, jumping off the roof, and shaving my legs on her trampoline. I miss us all taking baths in her awesome tub. I miss making food every Sunday and going to the temple every Tuesday. I miss the time I gave her a foot massage in exchange for her reading me her journal. I miss dancing to Hannah Montana in her basement and sitting in the back of our moms car the "cool way". I miss inside jokes.

I miss the weekends when Becca and I would get all dolled up and just drive around all night. Creeping on peoples houses and somehow getting into the most awkward situations that would make us laugh so hard we couldn't breathe. I miss going to Will's three times a night. I miss this summer when we would dance on the round-a-bout and the time we stopped at the park at one in the morning and ran through the sprinklers. I miss Park City. I miss dance parties at rock canyon park and in Macy's parking lot. I miss laying in the middle of the road.

I miss Zoe. I miss her making me pretty and watching her dance. I miss the time she came to the park with me in the middle of the night and sat for an hour in the freezing cold. I miss going to senior ball together. I miss sharing clothes. I miss her awesome family. I miss her making fun of me. I miss our trips to DI and going to Taco Bell basically every single day of our lives. I miss my best friend.


I truly miss you all.

So so pretty.

I miss my Valentine.



At least I got a cute package from him:)

I'm happy and complete and whole. I'm exactly where I am supposed to be.

I just love him more than anything.

"Would you die for the Savior as he died for you?"

        Of course.

"Would you live for him?"

this picture makes me cry










I read your words over and over again, partially sustaining myself until I hear from you again.

What is beauty and what does beautiful even mean? The perfect eyes, nose and face? What is the perfect face? I don't know. I don't think anyone really knows.

Today in church a lady bore her testimony and explained that God created us each perfectly. We shouldn't hate our looks because every one of us is beautiful and a sacred creation of Heavenly Fathers. I believe this one hundred percent. Yet, no one looks the same so how can we each be perfect?

I think that maybe Heavenly Father made our appearance perfect for somebody else. Maybe, just maybe, we look like we do because we will be attractive to the person we are supposed to marry. Maybe our looks are designed to attract that person that we are supposed to be with.

Hmm... I'm not sure but I would like to think that's true.

Hogwarts