in the middle of the night

in the middle of the night when i'm in this dream

it's like a million little stars spelling out your name

you gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

 come on, come on

Untouchable. I love Taylor Swift. Thanks Becca for showing me this song. It is so pretty.

calculator

bah. i wish i could put a specific word to how i am feeling.

am i happy? i don't think so.
i do smile. i most definitely laugh. just.. not like i used to.

tears come to my eyes too easily. i can't get that one thing off of my mind. i constantly have a pit in my stomach that will never go away. my chest aches. i don't understand how i can be in pain physically over something that is hurting me emotionally.

loneliness is
the worst feeling
i have felt.

i hate taking on life alone.

home sweet home

I'm not ready to move on.

I'm not ready to move on in lots of areas of my life.

I am most especially not ready to move out of my house and grow up.


I am moving out to an apartment for school, which I am extremely excited for. But, I was counting on being able to come home to visit my family. Now I have found out that my family is moving. 17 days before I move into my apartment. I get to move twice in less than a month. I know this shouldn't worry me but it does. I want to come visit my real home. Not some home I lived in for two weeks.

Moving out means growing up. I do feel like a grown up already but moving out on my own is a huge step. One I'm not ready for. But ready or not it's coming. Too fast.

paint the sky with stars

Today was a good day.

My baby brother Mitchell told me he has two best friends. 

My mom and me.

:)

i find it kind of sad

smiling faces i can see

but not for me

i sit and watch as tears go by

there's a bear inside your stomach

the cub's been kicking you for weeks

and if this isn't all a dream

well then we'll cut him from beneath

singing, this will be the day that i die

this will be the day that i die

and if you come when all the flowers are dying

and i am dead, as dead i well may be

you'll come and find the place where i am lying

and kneel and say an ave there for me

it's not a cry you can hear at night

it's not somebody who's seen the light

it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

what have a become, my sweetest friend

everyone i know goes away in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

i will let you down

i will make you hurt

will you say to me when i'm gone

your face has faded but lingers on

cause light strikes a deal with each coming night

cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

and life's like an hourglass glued to the table

no one can find the rewind button, girl

so cradle your head in your hands




 where are we
what the hell is going on
the dust has only just begun to form




hold my head inside your hands
i need someone who understands
i need someone, someone who hears
for you i've waited all these years




if i die young, bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song



and i find it kind of funny

i find it kind of sad

the dreams in which i'm dying

are the best i've ever had




sad music. 
i love being able to feel the emotion conveyed through a song. 
i enjoy being sad over a sorrow that isn't my own. 
to forget my worries by focusing on some else's

these are the best memories

i WILL make this the best summer of my life.

running through sprinklers in the middle of the night
having a dance party on a round-a-bout
running from a creepy guy
having a dance party in macey's parking lot
playing a legit game of truth or dare
laying on my back in the middle of the road

last night rocked.




can i just say that i hate allergies? despise them actually. i went eighteen years without a single allergy and then BAM. i can't stop sneezing.

summer lovin'

bucket list

"a list of things you want to do before you die"

"a list you make with friends of things you always say you're going to do but don't"

I want a bucket list. I know it is cliche and majorly overdone yet I want one.

But, do I want a...

summer bucket list?

or a

life long bucket list?

I am thinking a summer one. My summer has been so much fun so far but it needs to be spiced up a bit. 

This list needs to be possible to complete but not too simple. I want to be challenged but not overwhelmed.





i will reveal this list soon. whenever it is complete... although if it is a list of any significance it will never truly be complete.

i

love 

summer

take me away

I wish that I was in Kindergarten.

I wish that I could cry to my mom about the boys that are mean to me.

I wish that she would comfort me by telling me that they were mean because they had a crush on me.

I wish that I could believe that.

                                                                                                                                                                                                   

i need to stop wishing. 

i need to love my life exactly how it is.

I am a lot happier than usual though. Life is gradually getting better. :)

rad

what ever happened to boondoggles?

i found this beauty the other day 

and it is now rockin' my keychain.

this boondoggle is rad

life is full of disappointment

 i love the part in dan in real life when dan says "life is full of disappointment".

i feel like that's what my life is lately. disappointment after disappointment.

i really don't like sharing my life with others. especially when i have been hurt, but, i feel like i need to let my feelings out.

josh and i broke up. it happened a couple of weeks ago and it's all my fault. i have a very limited capacity to handle hurt or stress so when josh and i would fight i couldn't handle it. i broke up with him a lot during our fights but realized what a mistake i made and by the next morning i would ask for him back. he was always very forgiving.
well, this scenario happened a couple of weeks ago and the next morning josh didn't want me back..

he said it is because he will be going on a mission soon and he can't have me wait for him. which is completely understandable and probably a good idea. i was alright with it, i really was. but it seems that he was been able to move on from me a lot faster than i would have imagined he could. and i am heartbroken.

josh was my best friend. we hardly went a day without seeing each other. i would text him the moment i woke up and we would be talking all day until i fell asleep. i am so lonely without him. i know it's for the best but i feel like if it was the right thing i wouldn't be so sad. "you tell me this is for the best. so tell me why am i in tears?"

it is embarrassing i guess that i just wrote a huge post about him being my first love. i was tempted to delete it but i realized that nothing can change the fact that he was my first love. and he always will be.
and even though he hurt me, i still love him.

The silver lining on this situation is that i have really amazing friends. while i was at work the other night they chalked my whole driveway. writing lots of stuff to cheer me up. i came home to the surprise and inside found a "care package" they left me. it included a book, a movie, a gift certificate to dairy queen to get myself some ice cream, and some magleby's chocolate cake.

i love you b-varge, bugs, tslide, and moe.